My Programming Language is Better than your Programming Language

As you have seen from the tweets, newsletters, and banner ads, the annual StackOverflow developer survey is coming up soon. I’m sure you are as excited for it as I am, as our developer communities are rivals and have been for some time. Your confidence in your technology is high, but rest assured, you will suffer humiliation when the programming language I prefer outranks the programming language you prefer.

On numerous occasions, you have expressed the conviction that your programming language will be victorious. Every time I hear you make this proclamation, I shake my head in disbelief. “Ha!” I say to myself with disgust and rancor. How could you believe that your programming language could possibly outrank mine? It is clear that yours is inferior in every way.

For any practical use case, the programming language you prefer will be treated as an inconsequential distraction that has no relevance in solving the task at hand. It will be remarkably easy for my preferred programming language to solve the same problems with elegance and speed. There are many reasons for this, starting with the inferior performance attributes of the memory management and the pathetic excuse for a database that you invariably rely on. Power, speed, and agility are just three of the qualities that your preferred language woefully lacks. The language I favor, on the other hand, has these traits in abundance.

I would not be a bit surprised if the developers who favor your language were nothing but dumpster-diving script kiddies whose entire coding output was copied from StackOverflow. That is how ineffective they are in real life coding challenges.

Underscoring the inferiority of your language is its logo. It is ludicrous to believe that this logo inspires either respect or confidence. Instead, the logo appears to have been chosen by someone who is colorblind or, perhaps, bereft of sight altogether. The logo for my language, on the other hand, is aesthetically pleasing, representing a superior color combination in every way.

While we are on the subject of aesthetics, let us compare the respective IDEs which developers using our languages prefer. While my language’s editors are blessed with masterful user interfaces and the most modern linting and plugins, the editors your language favors requires awkward key-bindings, inaccurate syntax highlighting, and a dismal marketplace for add-ons. I know of what I speak, for I once was forced to use that editor during a coding interview. Let’s just say the experience left me wishing that my computer had been inoperable that day, sparing me the pain of suffering that terrible tool on which you subsist.

If you need another reason why the developer community representing my language is superior, look no further than the bloggers. Not only are the bloggers who support my language more spirited, but they are also more intelligent and of finer breeding than you and the rest of your ilk. They use multisyllabic words and discuss the nuanced benchmarking of the finely crafted software they favor, while the bloggers who write about your language are mere automatons cranking out click-bait from a content farm.

One of the more pathetic aspects of your favored language is the fact that only people in your insipid business sector possess an affinity for it. By means of contrast, the language I favor inspires loyalty and affection in individuals across a wide array of verticals and industries.

The day of the developer survey will soon be at hand. And no matter how hard you pray to a higher power or how many links you click in support of the language you favor, your technologies will be defeated. We will win and you will lose. This is your fate.

Prepare for humiliation. It shall be upon you at the designated hour.

(Spoofed from The Onion)